Family relationships can be difficult to navigate, like any kind of interpersonal connection. They are especially difficult because we are eager to appease, care for, and trust those related to us. Seeing extended family has a nuance of unfamiliarity within the innate familiarity of family. Interactions with extended family may seem more stressful or anxiety-inducing due to their unknown factors- that aren’t necessarily better or worse than those closest in proximity, just different and require unique responses. This may ring true of those who have extended family who are neurodiverse or have unique cognitive processes that dysregulate our own.

1. Have patience. It’s important to remember that although you have your own methods, experiences, and thoughts—so does everyone else. People infrequently want to hurt or aggravate others but frequently can by rushing to get their point across or chastise. This is family, not an enemy. If you have extended family members who are out to hurt you or are outwardly malicious, then another decision of whether to see them is at play.
2. Find associations. Rather than focusing on what divides you from your extended family, try to view them in a more connected light. For example, those with neurodiversity may seem stubborn in their viewpoints, but this is because they are familiar with them and have learned to trust that way of thinking; deviation from this may be scary and result in an undesired reaction. Make an effort to learn more about how they see the world, and then meet them halfway. If they are unwilling to meet you there, that reflects their own fear, not yours. Do your best to remember they are related to you in little ways.
3. Ask questions. If you can’t find ways to connect over associations, try asking questions. Let them do the talking. You may not even like their answers, but generally, people love to talk. Most of the time, it will be easier to keep asking questions than to start arguing over what your family members are saying. As you ask questions, you may come to learn what you can connect on. At the very least, you’re learning a lot about them.
4. Take a break. If you’re having a hard time, it’s okay to go to the bathroom or step outside for a bit to cool down emotionally. Even just 5 minutes can help you to catch your breath and collect your thoughts. You can also use the time to think of more things to talk about once you return to the group. Re-regulating when things start to feel hard to handle can make all the difference.
5. Remember that you’re not the only person responsible for the conversation. Some people can see group conversations as 50% their responsibility and 50% everyone else’s. However, in a larger group, you should be able to sit back and let others carry the conversation for a while if you are stressed or tired. Chime back in only when you have something you really want to contribute. Let it be based more on your genuinely cultivated thoughts rather than a first reaction.
6. Find your “safe people”. In a perfect world, we love talking to each family member equally. But, in the real world, we have certain family members that we hope we get to sit next to at the dinner table. It’s okay to stick to the sibling, cousin, or whoever you feel most comfortable with. Just make an effort to connect with everyone regardless.

Written by Emma Baldwin, development associate, and Casidee Gonzales, media director.